A great post about the need for relationship

This is from a guy I met out at IHOP, Zack Hensley. He was a core group leader for the boys.

So here we go! kicking off “Working with interns week” I’m going to share funny stories, and my 5 Big Lessons Learned. So…

Lesson #1: An once of relationship, is worth a pound of advice.

When I first started leading young adults I had a habit of assuming things about different interns. Sizing them up, or putting them into certain categories based on my initial interaction with them. I categorized them in my mind so I could lead each one a certain way based on my assumptions. Making definitive decisions about those you lead without relationship will cost you their respect. I found the reason I preferred to make assumptions was because I lacked the time to really build relationship with them. Therefore the easiest route was to assume I knew how they worked, and what they struggled with. The problem with this is when addressing issues, or offering needed advice, I didn’t have their respect. Often they would be in a relationship with a girl that was volatile, or walking the line between righteousness and unrighteousness. Ultimately I didn’t have their attention. My words blew right over their heads, and weren’t heeded because I had no relationship with them.

When you have no relationship with the people you are leading, you also find your self trying to defend your authority. This puts you into a “Stalin” like form of leadership, where they either do what you say “or else”. Leading in that way has a shelf life of about 2 weeks before either you or those you are leading give up out of frustration. No, leadership is about serving and loving. In order to love you have to have relationship. When they see you sacrifice your time to hang out with them, they feel respected because you actually start having respect for them. I had a group of guys once that were all very young (17-19). For most of them it was their first time living outside their parents care now that they had graduated High School. Needless to say many issues had been addressed, like MANY issues. I found that my requests to, be on time, study the material, get along with each other, were being obeyed about as well as the speed limit on the interstate. I realized that I had become the “Rule Nazi”. Always correcting but never having actually gotten to know them. So that week I had them all over to my house for a BBQ. I cancelled our meetings and instead we all watched the Michigan vs. Ohio State football game that they had all wanted to see. After that I spent two days a week at their apartment chatting before they went to bed. I rarely had to address an issue after that. If I did, my advice was always heeded because I gained their trust, and they had gained my respect. If some one was late or broke a rule instead of enforcing the issue, I asked them what was going on. More often than not there would be something else completely un-related going on internally which caused the rule to be broken. For instance one guy was 40 minutes late to class. At first I was about to give him the “grow up and be on time” speech. Instead I asked him if everything was alright. Turned out his Grandpa had just passed away that morning and He spent the morning on the phone with his dad, and in his room crying. The “Stalin” form of leadership would have made this guys day unnecessarily worse. Worse it could have cause him to give on maintaining the life in prayer I was trying to help him cultivate.

Relationship is vital to serving people well. When you respect them, and they respect you, only then do you actually have a door to speak into their lives. It’s not completely dogmatic; there are exceptions to the rule, but not many. Lesson #1 wrap-up: Invest your time into establishing relational equity, and your checks of advice will never bounce.